May 12, 2016 and all the days in between

I realized today that it has been almost a week since my last post. I knew that I was going to be bad at this blogging thing, but I feel like I'm worse at this than I thought I would be. Oh well!

One of the reasons I have been neglecting my blog is because I have begun to have a social life again. I was really, really busy this weekend, so by the time I was getting ready for bed, I was not interested in writing down my thoughts. I'll try and do a rundown of events.

Saturday was insane. We woke up in the morning to watch my little sister Kristina play rugby. She is such a beast. I don't know how she does it. Rugby is really intense. I don't know how everybody doesn't end up with hundreds of concussions or torn muscles or broken bones. I mean, it does happen sometimes. My sister tore her ACL last year playing rugby. However, she loves it so much (and is literally insane) that she decided to do it again. Rugby is fun to watch, that's for sure. There constant action, and I much prefer fast paced sports like that. The hardest thing about watching rugby is that I have literally NO IDEA what the rules are. When the ref blows the whistle and takes the ball away from our team, I always wonder WHAT HAPPENED? But, I mean, part of the fun of the game is my mom and I trying to figure out what the heck is going on. My sister's team creamed the other team, which was from Pocatello. I don't know what the score was, but they scored at least 7 times, and the other team didn't score once. The state championship is this upcoming Saturday, and I'm really excited for my sister to compete. I hope that they win it, because it would be such an exciting way for her to end her senior year. Like I said, she is a beast, and one of the best players, so she really deserves the success.

After the rugby game, we went to visit my grandma who is recovering from knee replacement surgery. It was so fun to see her, and we talked for a while about how life is going, and what her recovery has been like. Now that I'm a nursing student, learning about recovery processes and medications and such is much more interesting to me. The thing that was crazy to me is the fact that she is already walking! I mean, not constantly, obviously. She uses a walker and tries to get up for 10-20 minutes every 2 hours. I can't believe that! A lot of post-surgical patients aren't supposed to walk for a while, but she was up walking the same day as her surgery. I find that fascinating, and it is amazing to me how strong she is.

We said our goodbyes, and I headed home, because Saturday was KENTUCKY DERBY DAY!!! Short backstory- I grew up in Louisville, KY. The Kentucky Derby is a huge, huge thing out there. Every year, they do a fireworks show called Thunder over Louisville that hundreds of thousands of people attend. In elementary school, we'd make fake derby floats and have a "parade" down the hallways of the school. They were really just decorated shoe boxes that we glued wheels onto and attached to strings. We would make derby hats and glue enormous amounts of fake flowers on them. The Derby is, like, a week long event out there, and I love it so much. I miss it a lot. Idaho is cool, but we don't do anything fun like that. The one tradition we have kept over the years is our derby party. We invite friends over and make food and derby pie, and we watch the race. All of our friends, at first, thought we were the weirdest people. Over time, though, they have grown to love the derby like us. We all get a horse (we don't bet, we draw names out of a hat) to cheer for during the race, and we have a bucket full of candy. If your horse wins, you get to pick your candy first. It's so silly, but we are all competitive, so it's a big deal. My horse won last year, so it was only normal that my horse would suck this year. I think he got 12th or 13th, I'm not sure. It was still so fun though, and I had a great time with my family and friends.

The rest of that night we just chilled out. We played some games with our friends, and went to go get burritos at Los Betos as midnight. I ran some errands in between to get presents and flowers for Mother's Day.

Sunday was really chill. We went through the normal routine of getting ready for church and going to church. However, we did make a bit fancier breakfast than the normal meal of cereal. We had apple strudel muffins, which were homemade, and berries. It was so delicious. We went to church, which seems to take the whole day. Don't get me wrong, I love it. However, my church is three hours long and our ward starts at 1 pm this year. 1 pm church is a blessing and a curse, because you can sleep in and spend a lot of time getting ready. When it's over, though, your whole day is over! We get home at 4 pm, and by that time, we need to be cooking dinner and preparing for family to come over. There's less time for things like Sunday naps or strolls.

For dinner we had pork and black beans and rice. It was so delicious. My uncle makes some of the best pork on this planet. He smokes it for like 18 hours, and it is so tender and juicy. If it didn't take so much time and require special equipment, I would always cook my meat like that. Also, if you can't tell, I love food. Sunday dinners are the best because of the company we share. My grandparents normally come over, but they didn't because my grandma didn't feel up to it. However, my aunt and uncle and their four kids came. Their four kids are so fun. I think, in a way, they feel like my little siblings or my nieces and nephews. Since my siblings are so close in age, I never really got to experience having a much younger sibling. And because I'm the second oldest, I probably won't have nieces and nephews before I have my own kids. So, while these kids are my cousins, we have such a strong bond and I love them more than most people love their cousins. The youngest kid is almost 8 months old now, and she is so adorable. She was kind of fussy on Sunday, so I was able to rock her to sleep, and we cuddled. It was SO CUTE. I couldn't put her down, though, because she's a light sleeper, so I just held her for an hour and enjoyed every second. She is so sweet and I love her so much. I will really miss my aunt and uncle and their kiddos when I'm on my mission. They will be so grown up by the time I come home, and it's going to be crazy! My older sister also surprised us, and came home for Mother's Day. Spending time with her was so fun throughout the weekend. I hardly get to see her now, because we are normally both at our separate schools, so every time I see her is precious. She is the coolest person, and such a great example to me.

After they left, I spent some time with my momma. We watched a show called The District, which is a show about missionaries in the field and the experiences they have. I didn't think I would like it, because church films can tend to be dry, but it's so powerful, and I really think it's preparing me for what I will do on my mission. Afterwards, we talked a bit about her mission experience, which was fun and interesting. We've watched a few more episodes of that show since then, and it is surprising to me how much I enjoy it. If you're interested in missionary work, and what we do, it's something cool to look into. They probably have it online somewhere, like on byutv or lds.org.

Monday was a very relaxed day. I didn't really do much. I honestly can't remember if I did anything at all, during the day. In the evening, my younger sister, Danielle, and I went to Zumba. I am probably the worst dancer in the world, and I look so dumb doing it, but for some reason I just LOVE Zumba. It's fun and it works my whole body and gets my heart beating. I enjoy it so much that I am able to ignore the pain and just have fun. I would do Zumba every day if it worked with my schedule. After Zumba, we came home and had Family Home Evening. Family Home Evening, or FHE, is our once a week time to learn a lesson as a family. This week, we read from Preach My Gospel, the missionary handbook, about the importance of having the Spirit in our lives to guide us. I know I'm using a lot of church lingo, but if you are interested or have questions, feel free to ask me! I'd love to share anything about what I believe, and answer any questions. I love FHE because we are able to all give our input and learn together, rather than just reading some verses from the scriptures.

On Tuesday, I also didn't do a lot. However, my mom took me to go get a massage because I had been feeling some lower back pain. All I have to say about that is professional massages are amazing. If you feel stressed or tense, go take some time and get one. They are pricey (mine was $55 for an hour massage), but I feel so much better, and all my muscle tension is gone. It was one of the most relaxing experiences I have ever had.

Once we got home, my mom and I made dinner for the family. We had chicken gyros which were so delicious. My sister, Capri, and I played Mario Party 2 for hours that night, which was so fun. It was really nostalgic, because my siblings and I grew up playing those games together. Capri is hilarious, though, because she begged me not to steal a star from her, and then she stole one from me. The next game we played, I stole her star as payback and she was so pissed at me for the rest of the game. It was HILARIOUS. I love her and her spunky attitude so much, and while other people may be annoyed at her hypocrisy, I found it endearing. She won the first map and I won the second, so I'd say it was a pretty successful and equal experience.

Yesterday my mom and I ran a ton of errands. We bought every toiletry and medicine that I would need for my mission. Then we went and bought necklaces and earrings for all of my outfits. Shopping with her has been fun, but I feel so bad about the money my parents are spending on me. They say they are happy to do it, and it's the last time she'll be able to do it for 18 months, but every time I see the total I cringe. I guess going from being on a strict budget every month to living with my parents has been weird. In June, though, I'm going back to a strict budget, and I feel much better about that.

Today, my mom and our family friend Krista and I took a road trip to Twin Falls, which is about 2 hours away. We went to the temple there, because the one in Boise is closed for cleaning. It's always fun to see a new temple, and have a new experience. We had great conversations in the car ride up and down, and we had a delicious lunch. We went to Culver's, which is a burger/expensive fast food joint. The thing they have there that I LOVED was frozen custard. Frozen custard is like ice cream but a thousand times betters. I got a bacon cheeseburger with french fries and a raspberry brownie custard. I didn't want to think about how many calories that was, but that was pretty much all I've eaten today, so I don't feel SO bad about it. And it was delicious so it was totally worth it. The temple itself was amazing, like usual. I just feel the Spirit so strong in the temple, and I feel so close to God when I'm there. I've truly enjoyed going every week, and I hope that I will be able to go at least a few times when I'm in Kansas.

Now, I'm watching Twitch streams and getting ready for bed. It's been a long, but exciting day. Life has been busy but exciting, and I've been so much happier lately. I know that God heard my prayers the day of my meltdown and has given me more opportunities to be busy and to enjoy my last few weeks home. I'm grateful for the fun experiences I've had, and for the time I've been able to spend with friends and family. 20 days until I leave. It's getting more real every day.

Anyway, if you made it through this novel, congrats! You're much more dedicated than I am. Thanks for spending the time to read this, and supporting me. Life is good.

~Sienna

May 5, 2016

Today was better. It's crazy the difference your own outlook on life can make.

I woke up this morning feeling a bit hollow. I went through my morning routine, not really having any thoughts at all. I went to the gym and lifted some weights, and still hadn't really taken a moment to think about how I was feeling. Sometimes these hollow moments are rejuvenating. Being able to forget all of your worries while stretching your body to its limits is kind of wonderful. You feel so in control of everything, and you don't have the physical capability to worry about anything else but making it through your last ten reps. As I finished my workout and went on with my day, I thought about this. I thought about how clear my mind was and how focused I was on the moment. I decided I wanted to try to keep my mind clear throughout the day.

 My mom and I ran some errands, and as I talked to her I really felt relieved. It is so crazy how my mom can be such a crutch when things aren't going well. When I was at school, I'd call her once a week and I'd talk to her about all the things I felt I couldn't tell anyone else. I'd tell her about how my roommates (or, more accurately, one specific roommate) and classes were pissing me off, and she would listen to every word I'd say. After I was done ranting, she'd give her two cents, and then we'd move on to more pleasant conversation. Today, I told her all the things that have been swirling through my mind, and she just listened. She listened as I explained a lot of my fears, and she gave me some great advice. Moments like that are things I'm going to miss when I leave. Not being able to call her will be so hard. However, it's comforting to know that I have one person I can write emails to about anything and everything, and she will try her hardest to help me in any way possible. When she dropped me back off at the house, and left for physical therapy, I felt kind of emotional because I didn't (and don't) really know what I did to deserve such a good mom. She really is the greatest. Anyway, after she left, I was stuck in our big house all by myself. My siblings were all at school, and so I decided to take advantage of an empty house, and relax.

Side note- this blog makes it sound like I don't spend time with anyone but my family members. To be honest, lately I don't. However, that's just because a lot of my friends from home are still at their respective colleges, so I don't have a lot of options up here. My family is a little bit different from other families, as well. I have four sisters, and we are all really close in age and just in life. My sisters are 21, 17, 16, and 14. I'm 19, to put it in perspective. They really are my best friends and so I don't even feel guilty or weird that I spend so much of my time with them. Here are some pictures of us. I'm the one in green. We are all weirdos and I love it and I love them so much.
  

Anyway, back to today's thoughts. After my mom left, I decided that I was going to take some time to relax, so I took a bath and got ready for the day. Maybe this doesn't really sound relaxing to some people, but taking baths and putting makeup on are two things that I love to do. Baths relax every part of my body, and doing my hair and makeup is like my form of art (since I suck at drawing and painting and literally anything else artistic). Once I was done with all of that, I spent some time just reflecting on yesterday's events.

Yesterday, I was a bit overwhelmed with everything going on in my life. As I thought about this, I realized my thoughts yesterday seem kind of crazy. I shouldn't discount them, because they were real genuine feelings. However, one day later I felt so much better. Nothing super substantial has happened between then and now, and my circumstances haven't really changed. So what was it about yesterday that was so bad? I think the difference was I let my worries take over my own self-perception. I was so stressed about things coming up in the next few weeks that I let that stress creep into all aspects of my life. I'm a bottler- I bottle things up until I explode, and I think last night was my explosion. All of the stress I have felt in the past month about things coming up just compounded until I couldn't handle it anymore, and last night was the result of that. I'm embarrassed that so many of my friends saw it, as I really didn't think many would see it. However, it has really helped me realize how blessed I am and how I am surrounded by support.

Within minutes of sharing my post, one of my friends sent me a comforting message telling me that I'm not alone. Shortly after, another friend sent some love my way. Really, I am so grateful to everyone who shows me support. Life can be hard, and it is people like you who make it worth living. Throughout the day, I kept getting little messages, not even from people who read the post, telling me how I am valued and reassuring me that I am loved. This, to me, was a testimony that God heard my prayers and sent me love from those who didn't even know about my struggles. He really answered my plea for help last night, and I am really grateful for Him.

Stress can override so much of what your perceive. Yesterday taught me that I need a better outlet, some way to let my feelings be known and my stress to disappear. For some people, that outlet is talking to loved ones. For others, it's writing. Some people play video games or write music or paint or draw. There are so many outlets for stress reduction, and I just need to remember to take some time for myself. The truth of the matter is that we are worth it. We are worth taking time for, we are worth loving, and we shouldn't ever forget that. We are all amazing, beautiful, strong people, and just because we have a hard day doesn't mean we are weak. I remembered today that I am worth it. I remembered that I am good enough as I am. I remembered that I can get through hard things with the support of those who love me and with the support of God. Hopefully documenting these things today will help me when I have another hard day.

I think that's all for today. Maybe more tomorrow?
Thanks for reading <3
-Sienna

May 4, 2016

Today, I decided to make a new blog. I don't know why I'm making one, because in a month's time, I won't use it anymore. However, I felt the need to write out some of my thoughts, and get them off my chest.

Number 1- Coming up with titles is too hard. Like, what the heck are you supposed to title a blog? Or a post? The real title of this blog should be, "I'm Bad at Titles," or "I Don't Know Why You're Here, but Enjoy?" 

Number 2- Life is weird. It's weird that at some moments, you can be so happy and content with your life, and an hour later you are unhappy. What causes these mood swings? What shifts your mindset from good to bad? I had a really great day with my mom. We went to the temple, which was such a source of peace for me today. We had lunch at Cafe Rio and I enjoyed spending time just talking with her. We spent a couple of hours at the mall, and had a lot of success at finding clothes for my mission. As we drove home, I was so happy and really enjoying my day. Then, after arriving home, I just felt like I was in a dark cloud. I sat down to watch some Twitch streams, which is what I seem to do in the greater portion of my down time, and I just started to feel unhappy. What is normally a happy experience for me caused a lot of insecurity. I don't know why I can't just be happy with myself. I don't know why I can't believe that people actually like me for who I am. I don't know why I need constant reassurance and approval from others in order to be happy. However, today as I was chatting with some friends, I didn't feel wanted. I didn't feel happy. I felt like a nuisance, and I constantly questioned everything I said. I feel like this just makes the problem worse; I try too hard, which then causes other people to move away from me. I normally consider myself a confident person, but I don't feel that way today. I don't know if any of my friends really love me for who I truly am. And maybe I am not being who I really am because I feel such a need for approval. I don't know. But right now, I'm stuck in a rut of unhappiness and loneliness and I can't explain why. A day that started out so great is ending on a really poor note, and I don't know why I feel this way.

Number 3- I don't know how to be ready for the things that are coming up shortly in my life. It's crazy to think that, for 18 months, I will abandon my life as it is, and go to a new place, speaking a new language, and living a new life. I think, mentally, my brain can't wrap around it. It's hard to explain that I am so excited to leave but also dreading it. I'm so excited to go and serve. I feel like it is what's right for me right now, and what God wants for me right now. I have been looking forward to this all year long. However, as the days fly by, the dread sets in. I'm going to say goodbye to everyone I love. I'm only going to get to hear from them once a week in email form. I'm only going to talk to my family twice, and I won't get to talk to my friends at all. I know I will meet so many people and fall in love with them, and they will be the focus of my heart. That knowledge doesn't stop my heart from aching when I think about leaving my family. However, I know that the things that are worth it in life are not always easy. Leaving my family and friends is the first trial I'm going to have, but I imagine there will only be worse ones while I'm in the mission field. I hope that my faith will be strong enough to get me through this time.

Number 4- I wish I could cry easier. That sounds crazy, I know. But sometimes, I just feel overwhelmed about things, and I think crying would help me to release some of those feelings. However, I hardly ever cry. I wish I could cry all these struggles out now, so I'd feel better in the morning. I know, though, that I'm just going to fall asleep, and wake up in the morning with a lot of these same doubts.

Number 5- I'm grateful for my Savior, Jesus Christ. DISCLAIMER: I don't know who is going to read this, and I don't know if you're religious or not. If you hate religion, and feel like any talk about religion is pushing it in your face, feel free to skip this point. But this is my blog, and I'm going to write about things that pertain to me. You don't have to read it. A huge part of my life revolves around Jesus Christ because His life revolved around me and all of us, and so I am going to talk about Him. As I've gone through all of these conflicting and depressing feelings, I have really felt grateful for a Savior. He atoned for all of us, but what most people don't think about is the fact that He didn't just atone for our sins. He knows all of the pains, anguishes, discouragements, trials, insecurities, and feelings we have ever gone through. He also knows all the joy and happiness we have felt. He suffered for all of us, so that we can rely on Him. As I've gone through this bouts of insecurity and weakness, I have felt so grateful that I can feel comforted through Him. He doesn't take away these trials, but He is there for us through all things and I love having this knowledge. I hope that I can be more and more like Him every day.

I think that's all of my thoughts for today. I don't know if I'm going to write again tomorrow, or if I'll ever write again. However, I feel a bit better now that I have typed all of this out. Now I just have to decide if I will share this or not. 

Hopefully tomorrow will be better.