Number 1- Coming up with titles is too hard. Like, what the heck are you supposed to title a blog? Or a post? The real title of this blog should be, "I'm Bad at Titles," or "I Don't Know Why You're Here, but Enjoy?"
Number 2- Life is weird. It's weird that at some moments, you can be so happy and content with your life, and an hour later you are unhappy. What causes these mood swings? What shifts your mindset from good to bad? I had a really great day with my mom. We went to the temple, which was such a source of peace for me today. We had lunch at Cafe Rio and I enjoyed spending time just talking with her. We spent a couple of hours at the mall, and had a lot of success at finding clothes for my mission. As we drove home, I was so happy and really enjoying my day. Then, after arriving home, I just felt like I was in a dark cloud. I sat down to watch some Twitch streams, which is what I seem to do in the greater portion of my down time, and I just started to feel unhappy. What is normally a happy experience for me caused a lot of insecurity. I don't know why I can't just be happy with myself. I don't know why I can't believe that people actually like me for who I am. I don't know why I need constant reassurance and approval from others in order to be happy. However, today as I was chatting with some friends, I didn't feel wanted. I didn't feel happy. I felt like a nuisance, and I constantly questioned everything I said. I feel like this just makes the problem worse; I try too hard, which then causes other people to move away from me. I normally consider myself a confident person, but I don't feel that way today. I don't know if any of my friends really love me for who I truly am. And maybe I am not being who I really am because I feel such a need for approval. I don't know. But right now, I'm stuck in a rut of unhappiness and loneliness and I can't explain why. A day that started out so great is ending on a really poor note, and I don't know why I feel this way.
Number 3- I don't know how to be ready for the things that are coming up shortly in my life. It's crazy to think that, for 18 months, I will abandon my life as it is, and go to a new place, speaking a new language, and living a new life. I think, mentally, my brain can't wrap around it. It's hard to explain that I am so excited to leave but also dreading it. I'm so excited to go and serve. I feel like it is what's right for me right now, and what God wants for me right now. I have been looking forward to this all year long. However, as the days fly by, the dread sets in. I'm going to say goodbye to everyone I love. I'm only going to get to hear from them once a week in email form. I'm only going to talk to my family twice, and I won't get to talk to my friends at all. I know I will meet so many people and fall in love with them, and they will be the focus of my heart. That knowledge doesn't stop my heart from aching when I think about leaving my family. However, I know that the things that are worth it in life are not always easy. Leaving my family and friends is the first trial I'm going to have, but I imagine there will only be worse ones while I'm in the mission field. I hope that my faith will be strong enough to get me through this time.
Number 4- I wish I could cry easier. That sounds crazy, I know. But sometimes, I just feel overwhelmed about things, and I think crying would help me to release some of those feelings. However, I hardly ever cry. I wish I could cry all these struggles out now, so I'd feel better in the morning. I know, though, that I'm just going to fall asleep, and wake up in the morning with a lot of these same doubts.
Number 5- I'm grateful for my Savior, Jesus Christ. DISCLAIMER: I don't know who is going to read this, and I don't know if you're religious or not. If you hate religion, and feel like any talk about religion is pushing it in your face, feel free to skip this point. But this is my blog, and I'm going to write about things that pertain to me. You don't have to read it. A huge part of my life revolves around Jesus Christ because His life revolved around me and all of us, and so I am going to talk about Him. As I've gone through all of these conflicting and depressing feelings, I have really felt grateful for a Savior. He atoned for all of us, but what most people don't think about is the fact that He didn't just atone for our sins. He knows all of the pains, anguishes, discouragements, trials, insecurities, and feelings we have ever gone through. He also knows all the joy and happiness we have felt. He suffered for all of us, so that we can rely on Him. As I've gone through this bouts of insecurity and weakness, I have felt so grateful that I can feel comforted through Him. He doesn't take away these trials, but He is there for us through all things and I love having this knowledge. I hope that I can be more and more like Him every day.
I think that's all of my thoughts for today. I don't know if I'm going to write again tomorrow, or if I'll ever write again. However, I feel a bit better now that I have typed all of this out. Now I just have to decide if I will share this or not.
Hopefully tomorrow will be better.
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