I woke up this morning feeling a bit hollow. I went through my morning routine, not really having any thoughts at all. I went to the gym and lifted some weights, and still hadn't really taken a moment to think about how I was feeling. Sometimes these hollow moments are rejuvenating. Being able to forget all of your worries while stretching your body to its limits is kind of wonderful. You feel so in control of everything, and you don't have the physical capability to worry about anything else but making it through your last ten reps. As I finished my workout and went on with my day, I thought about this. I thought about how clear my mind was and how focused I was on the moment. I decided I wanted to try to keep my mind clear throughout the day.
My mom and I ran some errands, and as I talked to her I really felt relieved. It is so crazy how my mom can be such a crutch when things aren't going well. When I was at school, I'd call her once a week and I'd talk to her about all the things I felt I couldn't tell anyone else. I'd tell her about how my roommates (or, more accurately, one specific roommate) and classes were pissing me off, and she would listen to every word I'd say. After I was done ranting, she'd give her two cents, and then we'd move on to more pleasant conversation. Today, I told her all the things that have been swirling through my mind, and she just listened. She listened as I explained a lot of my fears, and she gave me some great advice. Moments like that are things I'm going to miss when I leave. Not being able to call her will be so hard. However, it's comforting to know that I have one person I can write emails to about anything and everything, and she will try her hardest to help me in any way possible. When she dropped me back off at the house, and left for physical therapy, I felt kind of emotional because I didn't (and don't) really know what I did to deserve such a good mom. She really is the greatest. Anyway, after she left, I was stuck in our big house all by myself. My siblings were all at school, and so I decided to take advantage of an empty house, and relax.
Side note- this blog makes it sound like I don't spend time with anyone but my family members. To be honest, lately I don't. However, that's just because a lot of my friends from home are still at their respective colleges, so I don't have a lot of options up here. My family is a little bit different from other families, as well. I have four sisters, and we are all really close in age and just in life. My sisters are 21, 17, 16, and 14. I'm 19, to put it in perspective. They really are my best friends and so I don't even feel guilty or weird that I spend so much of my time with them. Here are some pictures of us. I'm the one in green. We are all weirdos and I love it and I love them so much.
Anyway, back to today's thoughts. After my mom left, I decided that I was going to take some time to relax, so I took a bath and got ready for the day. Maybe this doesn't really sound relaxing to some people, but taking baths and putting makeup on are two things that I love to do. Baths relax every part of my body, and doing my hair and makeup is like my form of art (since I suck at drawing and painting and literally anything else artistic). Once I was done with all of that, I spent some time just reflecting on yesterday's events.
Yesterday, I was a bit overwhelmed with everything going on in my life. As I thought about this, I realized my thoughts yesterday seem kind of crazy. I shouldn't discount them, because they were real genuine feelings. However, one day later I felt so much better. Nothing super substantial has happened between then and now, and my circumstances haven't really changed. So what was it about yesterday that was so bad? I think the difference was I let my worries take over my own self-perception. I was so stressed about things coming up in the next few weeks that I let that stress creep into all aspects of my life. I'm a bottler- I bottle things up until I explode, and I think last night was my explosion. All of the stress I have felt in the past month about things coming up just compounded until I couldn't handle it anymore, and last night was the result of that. I'm embarrassed that so many of my friends saw it, as I really didn't think many would see it. However, it has really helped me realize how blessed I am and how I am surrounded by support.
Within minutes of sharing my post, one of my friends sent me a comforting message telling me that I'm not alone. Shortly after, another friend sent some love my way. Really, I am so grateful to everyone who shows me support. Life can be hard, and it is people like you who make it worth living. Throughout the day, I kept getting little messages, not even from people who read the post, telling me how I am valued and reassuring me that I am loved. This, to me, was a testimony that God heard my prayers and sent me love from those who didn't even know about my struggles. He really answered my plea for help last night, and I am really grateful for Him.
Stress can override so much of what your perceive. Yesterday taught me that I need a better outlet, some way to let my feelings be known and my stress to disappear. For some people, that outlet is talking to loved ones. For others, it's writing. Some people play video games or write music or paint or draw. There are so many outlets for stress reduction, and I just need to remember to take some time for myself. The truth of the matter is that we are worth it. We are worth taking time for, we are worth loving, and we shouldn't ever forget that. We are all amazing, beautiful, strong people, and just because we have a hard day doesn't mean we are weak. I remembered today that I am worth it. I remembered that I am good enough as I am. I remembered that I can get through hard things with the support of those who love me and with the support of God. Hopefully documenting these things today will help me when I have another hard day.
I think that's all for today. Maybe more tomorrow?
Thanks for reading <3
-Sienna
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